Every heterosexual bone in my body (especially my most heterosexual of bones) fights me as I write this, but I feel a question has to be asked. Women of Kingston: what on earth are you doing to yourselves?
Earlier this week I spent an hour at a party in a local club. I will not say which one, but I think most of you will figure it out when I say that there was a Summery vibe. I didn’t go with very high expectations, because this particular bar has a reputation for attracting the least-discerning clientele in the city, but what I saw there shocked even me. Immediately upon entering, I was greeted by a handful of girls… I want to say “dancing” but that would be a far too generous description of those particular body movements… let’s just say that there was movement, and the rubbing of bodies.
The dress code for females at this club seemed to be “as little as legally possible”. A shirt is meant to be worn with pants, everyone knows that. However, for some reason, if you put a belt on over a shirt, then it legally transmogrifies into a dress. I’m not 100% on the logic behind that, but I’m pretty sure if you walk around with no pants, that makes you a stripper – and a half-assed one at that because you lack even the basic courage to get all the way naked.
I am at least reasonably sure that the females at this club were not all of below-average intelligence. Considering that many of them are Queen’s, St. Lawrence and even RMC students, I would suspect that they are at least not statistically more stupid than average. I would similarly imagine that they didn’t all come from broken homes, or experience domestic abuse as children, or any other trauma that would explain such behaviour. While it is certainly conceivable that some of them are fundamentally unhappy people, I would posit it is unlikely that they all have some sort of psychological issue causing them to self-medicate with a bafflingly ill-conceived combination of alcohol abuse and exhibitionism. The only explanation left is that this behaviour is deliberate and self-inflicted.
Which brings me to the titular question: where are your parents? How does a caring parent allow their daughter to show such a lack of basic respect for herself? How does a loving child disrespect her parents by behaving in such a shameless/shameful manner? Far be it from me to suggest that women shouldn’t be sexual. Human beings are sexual creatures, and sex is a lot of fun…unless you’re doing it wrong. That said, carrying yourself in a manner that suggests that you have nothing worthwhile to offer aside from basic anatomy invites the worst kind of attention from people around you.
Considering the complaints I hear from my female friends about their interactions with men, particularly at bars, I would imagine that it is far preferable to be approached respectfully and amicably than sleazily. Some of my closest female friends are quite sexy and not shy about accentuating it. However, the reason they are my friends, and the reason I continue to respect them, is because they manage to temper their sexuality with self-esteem, and don’t allow themselves to get swept up in the neo-chauvinism that has once again brought women to the level of mere sexual objects. When you treat yourself like a thing, not deserving of respect, you reinforce the idea that it’s acceptable to objectify women.
Show some class, cover your ass. Thanks and credit to Rocka109 for use of the scandalous photo.
I think that this might be a situation that’s specific to Kingston, and similar college towns. I think these kids just feel really safe here. They think they know everyone, and that basically, they own the place.
The other possibility is that I’m just getting old and prudish – and that you are too, Crommie.
I completely agree with Bryan’s comment, you are old and prudish. This has got to be one of the most condescending articles I’ve ever read. Just because you perceive someone as dressing or acting “sleazily”, that does not mean they are not deserving of respect. Reading this post has made me feel like Kingston is back in the dark ages!
Blackbv: I think you’ve misread the article. The point is that people DO deserve respect, but act like they don’t respect themselves. If you behave in a manner that suggests there’s nothing more to you than your external appearance, then that’s the impression that people are going to take away from you. You can argue until you’re blue in the face that it’s “not fair”, but that’s the reality.
I’m probably in the minority here, but I don’t see how a woman dressing in (very) revealing outfits automatically translates into her having a lack of self-respect. Sexualizing yourself, in essence flaunting your body to the extent that those around you might forget you are a thoughtful human being, might simply be a good way of getting laid. There is nothing wrong with either wanting to let loose, to consciously drink to the point of intoxication and conscious of this decision to increase the chances of having a potentially gratifying one night stand later in the night. If you’re looking for a long term relationship, it’s probably best you don’t over-sexualize yourself so that your potential mates are reminded you are someone who likes conversation between morning and evening sex sessions. However, if you’re looking to have casual relations, your best bet is to probably show the opposite sex why THEY should sleep with YOU tonight. It is simply a way of making yourself stand out in the sexual marketplace. Of course this line of reasoning assumes that the motive behind dressing really sexually is to get laid. It might be that dressing in the way you describe is fashionable, or it might be for some other reason my male mind can’t begin to fathom. Either way, dressing like what is pejoratively known as a “skank”, “slut” etc… is by no means degrading to a person’s self-respect. Otherwise, those guys who walk around in muscle shirts should be subject to the same criticism.
To correlate dressing in a suggestive manner with stupidity is simply wrong. Again, it may just be a way of pursuing casual sex, something which isn’t really best achieved by going to a club wearing a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants and starting up a conversation about Kierkegaard with the cute person at the bar stool. If a person wishes to pursue casual sex, the desire for which humans have not been able to do away with through the attempted imprisoning of our animal natures, it stands to reason they should appeal to said animal instinct. Doing so does not make them some kind of moron. My guess is that many of the people you describe are aware of their sexualities, and if they should choose to use them to their advantage, then they have every right to do so without being considered intellectually inferior. The dance floor is a place where the body does the talking, otherwise it would be occupied by couples discussing the merits of the cap-and-trade emissions regulation system over the carbon tax.
In terms of these women having a psychological issue, it could be very possible they enjoy the activities they choose to engage in. Drinking is fun for most people. Dancing is fun for most people. Sex is fun for most people. Dressing scantily increases the chances of the latter.
In terms of the where are your parents tirade, most people at bars are over the age of at least 18 and are therefore legal adults, making it irrelevant what their parents think of them.
You claim that you believe women are sexual creatures, and should be free to be sexual. Then you criticize them for wanting to be exclusively sexual for the night they choose to go out to a bar or club, for wanting to portray themselves as having nothing to offer the world aside from their bodies. Let me remind you they’re in a bar/club. Many men and women go to a bar or club to pick up a partner for casual sex. There’s no point in convincing your partner for a one night stand that you have something to offer him/her beyond that one night. He/she is more concerned with the sex than the fact that you’re an honours biology student. In terms of these women inviting the “worst kind of attention”, your definition of good attention appears to neglect the fact that if all a person wants is sex, the best kind of attention they can get is attention directed at their physical assets.
The fact that you only criticize women in this piece is a display in male chauvinism in itself, and greatly undermines your argument. Many males go out drinking to the bars in order to increase their chances of getting laid, and yet you do not go so far as to claim that they all have psychological issues. They dress more conservatively than the women, because otherwise they would reduce their chances of getting laid, and thereby escape your criticism, even though they don’t act in a manner deserving self-respect either. Countless numbers of men go to bars and clubs not seeking to put their intellectual goods on display so as to acquire a long term girlfriend, but to show off their wit, physical superiority, charm and any other skill they might have, for the sole purpose of getting laid. You should be criticizing them too, because they aren’t concerned with making sure their sexual partners recognize their intellect first and their sexual prowess second. They just want to orgasm inside another person and be done with it.
Finally, I would like to deal with the normative statement that women (and women only) seeking to objectify themselves is somehow wrong. This assumption gets back to the crux of my argument: pursuing casual sex by disregarding any interest in acquiring “the respect” of your partner is acceptable in the interest of pursuing a casual, and not a long term, sexual relationship. It doesn’t matter if you portray yourself as a sex object as long as that is all you are seeking to be. Objectification can be fundamentally positive in nature. Two lovers can appreciate the physical aspects of each other, have good sex and then say goodbye in the morning. This is obviously not a good way to pursue a relationship, but if all you’re looking for is sex then I see no reason against it. Pursuing casual sex and treating oneself as an object can therefore not be subject to such criticism, because the premises that underlie such criticism are not only prejudiced against one gender, but assume that sexual posturing is somehow innately wrong.
Ryan 8008: Don’t worry dude, I’ve got a big bag of criticism for the men of Kingston too.
As far as the casual sex thing goes, I have no problem with a random hookup here and there… or everywhere… but it’s quite possible to get laid without turning yourself into an object. This is where we get into the issue of “taste”, and perhaps I am overestimating the importance of being a well-rounded person. Maybe it’s enough for many people to exhibit their physical attributes and get sexed by someone who cares about nothing else. To me that seems inherently negative to have sex with someone who doesn’t respect you, but that’s me. To put it another way, the end-game of acting like that (regardless of dress, which is really not the focus of my attention, though it seems to be a big deal for everyone else) is bedding down with the type of high-quality individual who values nothing but the ol’ in-out. Maybe that’s not a problem for some people; I HOPE it’s a problem for the majority of people or we will soon have a generation of unfathered and semi-douchbag children.
Being legally an adult clearly doesn’t prevent people from acting like clowns, and something as arbitrary as age or legal status does NOT disconnect you from your parents.
Your response was well-thought-out and well-written. I enjoyed reading it.
Reading this article reminded me of an Abe Simpson quotation:
“I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was. Now, what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me.”
Trends change, especially fashion trends. The changes may not always be tasteful to all, but they also don’t necessarily dictate the individual who chooses to follow them. Sounds to me like you went to a night club and saw what a nightclub looks like. Unremarkable really, I wouldn’t read too much into everything :)
this is interesting. there is a name for that look and i do hope it will pass soon. prostitutes during my college years in the early 90s had more covered up than what i see now. i'm a liberal woman and women had no problem and never will, with getting laid if they choose.. i'm surprised to read how casually cool this all sounds, oh have a fling here and there.. what about diseases.. sadly many of these girls, (technically women by governments standards..) but yes, they are still girls.. sadly, this "fashion" stems from the porn industry and stage costumes in the entertainment industry. it lacks class and dignity. this is coming from a woman in music who does quite well for herself… some feel this nearly naked fashion is liberating for women.. nah, it's gone too far… thanks to them, there is pressure on the rest.. and no it's not just in small cities or university towns, that is a real naive statement. it's a generational thing that is everywhere.